How to Honor You?

Dear Little Luke,
Oh how mommy misses you! Today, I have read many stories of other mommies like me - who have lost their precious little babies. These are amazing women who have told their stories to the world. Their faith in God is a true testament. I wonder if I am that strong? I want to be. I want to believe that you are safe and warm and happy with God, but I just don't know if I have that kind of faith right now. I often wonder, "Did God really know this would happen? Was it really His plan?" How can God's plan include taking you from us? We were so ready to take care of you. So ready to be your parents -- forever protecting you until our dying day. You were not supposed to leave this earth before us -- we were supposed to be the ones keeping you safe and warm and happy.

I see what other mommies have done to honor their babies and I wonder what I am to do? Lead me little Luke. Help me to find my way to honor you. I know this is just the beginning of a long road of grief and healing, but help me to find my voice to some how help others. Just like any mommy, I love you more and more every day. Little Luke, you will never be forgotten!

Packing up the Dreams

Tonight we spent a couple of hours packing up things in the nursery. Wow! That was hard! At one point, I just broke down sobbing when Chris asked me a simple question. At times, the emotion is just so raw -- like it all just happened yesterday.

In much of the literature I've read, the fact that we have lost not just our baby, but the hopes and dreams for a future with that baby is mentioned. That was very apparent to me this evening as I folded each little item of clothing. I'm sure Luke would have probably outgrown all of the newborn things by now. He would be 5 weeks old already. And all those diapers... I'm sure they would have been gone by now too.

We also walked over to the cemetary this afternoon. We were outside for nearly two hours in the georgous spring weather. I had imagined that I would be spending many hours outside with Luke in "the BOB" (our stroller) during these beautiful spring days -- I was so looking forward to that!

There are many things that we will miss out on because Luke was taken from us, but we know that we will always be Luke's parents, and nobody can take that from us.

Bring the Rain

One month ago today, March 6, 2010, my husband and I welcomed our first child, a son, Luke Arthur into the world. What was to be the most joyous day of our lives -- even topping our wedding day -- was covered by a dark, ominous cloud. The cloud was that of death. The tears that stained our faces were not those of joy that normally welcome the birth of a baby -- they had turned to those of grief and saddness 19 hours earlier when we learned our baby no longer sustained life -- at 39+ weeks into the pregnancy, his heartbeat had slipped away.

Over the weeks, months and possibly years to come, we hope to share our entire story. It gives us strength to know that there are others that grieve the loss of a child as we do. We hope our story will be a source of strength for someone, as the stories we have heard and read are just that for us -- strength in knowing we are not alone.

Although we are Christians, we believe faith is a personal journey -- one we do not often share publicly. We do believe that our precious son is being cared for by our Heavenly Father. We won't often shout about our faith, but from time to time, if we are especially moved by a powerful voice, we may feel the urge to share. This morning, as the heavens pour their rain on the earth, the lyrics of the song "Bring the Rain" by Mercy Me have shown their power.

I know there'll be days when this life brings me pain, but if that's what it takes to praise you, Jesus, bring the rain.